5:25 PM
went to visit my greatgrandmother from my paternal side, with my grandmother from my maternal side.
oh. even my lovely old princess shed tears for her.
my great grandmother basically has her hands tied to the side of the bed, and has a tube directing to her stomach, as she couldnt eat anymore.
her backbone has become rather stiff for any adjustments to her slping position.
and she cant talk. well i think she did. but i dun understand.
her hands were abit swollen. (i think it is water rentention)
when i got into the room.
i held her cold hands.
immediately vision blurred.
so for the next few minutes, i tried to tell her who i am.
hoping she knows.
and she started to dig her nail into my fingers.
it felt painful.
but i take it that she doesnt know her strength and she just want to hold me.
then she released, put her head up abit, then jerked her body.
it repeated for lots of times, with short intervals in the middle.
grandmother told me that she might be feeling painful, coz of the cancer.
plus, she cant move much.
only left with skins and bones.
after around half an hour of feeling her warmth,
sudd she stopped.
i tried to caress her finger tips,
tap on her palm.
but, she just dun react.
i think she knows im here.
and she wants me to go.
she just wants me to go.
coz i rem.
when she was admitted to the hospital a few years ago,
she didnt allow me and my bro to go into the room.
she doesnt want us to be infected with the bacteria and virus around her.
i guess it applies the same for today.
i held on for another 15 mins.
and she didnt hold me hand.
i hope she goes soon.
i love her.
and i want her to suffer no more.
this kind of pain, is not for aged ppl like her.
i rather take the punishment for the mistakes she had done.
if that is.
oh my. im gonna stop here.
im gibberish-ing
argh.
i feel like a total fool.
not being able to do anything.
f
!^U#YG^R%%*)Y(H&R$T%@
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9:29 PM
the MAN of my life.
love him.
torturing sally.
wahahaha.
-smirks
oh. LOOK at my HAIR.
its finally growing.
:)
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9:23 PM
this is our first biochem lab session.
so i was pretty enthu, and i started to take photos of my team, while they were trying to fiddle with the micro-pipette.
so the three white poseurs are -tigor, grace then junguang (left to right)
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8:41 PM
went jogging and walking just now.
stopped when my hand felt numb.
was thinking abt the things that im trying to settle in my head.
how am i gonna fix it?
will i be able to make it in time?
mum.. im thinking abt all these kind of weird things at the wrong time.
there's this want in me. wanting to see her so much.
but another side of me. that will break down at the look of her.
how can u expect me to go alone?
and in the midst of my two tests?
how the hell am i gonna concentrate?
mum.
i wonder.
does ur heart break when u see her?
come on girl. this is part of life.u go for a reason.she will be goin to the heavens.but why that struggle for her?
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9:14 PM
my brother is so damn cute.
and i love to irritate him..
oh.. i am SOOOO bad..
yea. he was on friendster.
finally he logged on.
and his only friend was this girl that he had a crush on in his primary school days.
well. he showed me her photos a few months ago.
and just now he asked me.
"who is she?"
and i replied..
"ur princess kai ying la!"
then he was like OH OH.. then click onto her profile IMMEDIATELY.
then he looked at her photos.
then said
"jie. see she so boh liao like u leh.. take photos of things."
i think he meant to see more photos of her face..
and he asked me
"jie.. can i grab her photos?"
"NOO. DUN BE SO PERV CAN?"
then he was scrolling through her profile AGAIN.
and was giggling.
"eh jie, her age is 23, mine is 42.. hahaha"
then i looked at him
"FUNNY MEH?"
and he closed the window.
my lovely, smelly, hot little boy is terribly in love.
i love him to bits.
sometimes, i would ask him weird questions like
-can i slp with u?
-did u fart today?
-why have u stop touching my hair?
-i think u pui alot.
-u like shit leh.
-am i cute?
-i think sally is pregnant..
and he always stare at me, and give me this look
(eh jie. can u pls dun be so childish?) -.-
wahahaha.
i love him.
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4:56 PM
had my weekly special bath while 'walking' home.
couldnt run though.. the water will be splashing in weird directions then.
my parents arent at home, so unable to fetch me.
k. so super-yingy will turn sexy on her way home.
lala.
anyways. got my heart down to study.
though i will be LATE for the sales.
there will still be sales after the test..... right?
furthermore, i have to settle my inner thoughts b4 enjoying.
cooked maggie mee after bathing.
and my parents got home soon after started eating.
should have called them to packet food for me.
but. nvm. i had my noodles instead.
._.
then was on msn. and talked around.
confirmed with hannah that playing tamagotchi needs a partner. (and im finding one)
confirmed with grace that she is making me blur abt inhibitors.
confirmed with spawnie that we have to get As for the next test (which is 0.0)
confirmed with yunus that our thoughts dun match for this period of time.
AND AND.
my mum told me.
"eh girl ar. dun eat too much chocs hor. i think u getting fat"
-cries-
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10:16 PM
whatever.
i have two tests coming up.
and my mind is in orchard.
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7:37 PM
is it my period that cause me to think like this?
or is it that im too tired?
is it that i feel like i have not achieved anything?
or is it that i just feel like an idiot?
whats my life compared to hers?
oh. i have been wasting my time.
completely wasting my time.
trying to learn things that i will nv understand.
trying to do things that i will nv achieve.
trying to convince people who i will nv be able to get with.
trying to cry in my room but fall asleep instead.
trying to talk to my mum, but stared at sally instead.
trying to get out of the house, but realise the housework aint done.
trying to buy my bro presents, but he keeps them in the drawer.
trying to stitch cartoon for someone, but unable to find the correct one.
trying to get the ants out of the table, but they just keep coming out.
trying to run away from everything, but got pulled out of my hole instead.
how does it feel like to cry?
is it just having a pure headache?
is it just having tears and mucus flowing everywhere?
is it just pure shouting then mayb slitting of wrists?
is it just screaming out that thing in ur head?
help me. im feeling stress-ed out.
what am i thinking about?
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10:50 PM
no..
u got it wrong.
he is not the one who appears in sex.com
hurr.
-covers blanket-
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9:19 AM
once a blade is introduced to the skin,
the cells divide each other,
allowing the blood the ooze out,
and mayb, dripping down the skin.
what happens?
if u cut the epidermis, then the dermis..
well. u might have been in pain.. or mayb lost the sense of pain.
but ur hand is definitely still located on ur wrist.
but by then.. u would have difficulty in moving ur hands.
ooohhh..
what if u go deeper.. and u touch the subcutaneous fat?
well. if u touch it.. of coz it will feel abit spongy.. and jelly..
but if u cut though it..
oh! u will find ur bone. and ur precious veins.
by then the upper layer of the skin.. the epidermis..
will be feeling loose.. hanging around..
so after all this mess.
make sure u keep it clean!
-puts hand back onto the wrist-
are u having goosebumps?
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11:41 PM
OKAY OKAY.
cancel the prev post.
i wanna wait for my parents to come back.
smell their odour.
hug them.
then go to slp.
I MISS THEM.
oh dad. u have to find why are there so many ants!
im so scared la.
they kept crawling around ur desk.
as if theres food!
nah.. i didnt eat by the com.. .. did i?
but even if i did. that was so long ago..
and ...
and..
and.
y ants?!
mum. u got to scold that cheeky bro of mine.
he has to get down to study.
though i know he doesnt have a 'studious' brain.
but he isnt listening to me.
his exams are like shit.
hurr.
terrible!
*shakes head*
n..
sally misses both of u.-hugs-
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11:10 PM
love?
what is that suppose to be.. in my life?
happiness?
is that goin to occupy my everyday life?
lucky?
is fate that brought me to this family?
jieying?
can i ask. what is the real u?
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10:44 PM
so dead tired.
and thirsty..
hmmx. didnt drink enough water.
not my lips are so itchy.. (-scratch-.. haha)
things i have done
- acc my bro out to chill on weddy
- bring my younger cousin out to chill on sat
- done my part as a sister to look after bro
- keep the house clean
- slack
- spend and eat alot
- bought my ring
things i have not done
- finished the kerorou gun something.. aiyah i forgot.
- havent watched bleach 80!
- havent find out how ants appear on my dad's desk
- study for microbiology test
- exercise
- visit my great-grandmother
- watch da vinci code. (but dropped it)
- i think i want to watch over the hedge!! (hints isaac) muahaha
i guess my grades will suffer, coz i kept spending time with my family. i am not able to study much for this pathetic module.. coz my bro kept wanting me to go out with him. yea. so i done my part. and.. i have to go for tuition tml morn.. come back and HURRY HURRY study.. and rush to my grandma's house (paternal side) for dinner, well so called family gathering. hurr..
i feel like breaking down.
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9:52 PM
living in this harsh world, how can we not suffer from impatience?
how often have we offended other people by our actions, words and response just by that tiny bit of impatience in us?
for me..............
im having it everyday.
so how do u exactly develop patience in everyday life?
have u waited for someone for a very long time, ending up being over-stressing worried and acting all weird?well.. kick that mindset!
When u are waiting for a long time, just keep ur mind occupied so it avoids unnecessary stress from worrying.
it is not what happens but how u react..do u have aims but failed when u face too much challenges?when u expect something better in life, u have to give more than u had already done.
when u focus on what is really important, and dwell on ur goals, then..
it will be easier..
have u ever quarrelled with someone because he did some irrational things?come on.. who doesnt?
Even if u disagree with someone, u have to give the person a chance to vent out his anger.
What he does to you may only show that he is trying to get or compensate for the lack in his life.
HOWEVER, everyone has their own ways of seeing and interpreting things and each one is the product of his own attitude and values.
hmm. who can take it if someone goes overboard?
(mayb God.)
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10:08 PM
open my laptop in school..
and found ants crawling out of my lappie..
ARGH..
*smacks ants' heads..*
im goin to wait till next month's allowance..
and buy that ring.
hopes the push cart wont go away.
*prays*
mum.. hurry back home..
there are alot of ants on dad's com..
WHY AR?
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10:08 PM
took bro to hang around in town today.
he didnt have sch.. interesting.
yea. wasted 9 dollars again. for a neo-shot.
we are just so cute.
lala.
and the ring that i wanted.. is BACK!
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i want to taste simplicity.
the way i plan and work things out, will have the greatest impact in the result.
everything needs planning.
including what time i have to wake up tml.. bla bla bla.
if u dun, things get undone.
if u close one eye, u regret when the result is shown.
i love my family.
love my friends.
love my life.
love my things.
n i
love sally.
sometimes, u need the initiative to love someone.
sometimes u dun.
nah. dun talk abt love.
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got to wake up at 5.45 tml morn le..
hurr. tata.
nitex.
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11:49 AM
had my beauty sleep.
parents went overseas.
left me and bro..
planning to go out and play!!
hehe.
will upload photos if possible.
ciaox
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the MAN of my life.
torturing sally.
so the three white poseurs are -tigor, grace then junguang (left to right)
